Paxon: Month 6

Well, we made it. Half a year as a mom. Half a year of trying to figure out how to put a baby on a schedule when I’m not on one myself. Half a year realizing I can’t compare my situation to most others or I’ll drive myself crazy. Half a year wondering how I’m not completely disgusted to have someone’s drool fall onto my face when I lift him above me to make him giggle, or get peed on if I take him into the shower with me to bathe him, or even get pooped on if we don’t catch it immediately and he blows out. It makes me wonder who has stuck around for this journey and read each one of these posts for the last six months. Whoever you are, I want to say thank you.

I know, it’s just like a millennial to pay attention to the numbers when they put themselves out there on the internet, but when I see people actually still reading my stuff, it makes me happy! I’m so glad there are others out there that are interested in following the journey I’m on. Sometimes I want to write about various other topics as well, but that’s a whole other story…

Because of the people in my life, I’ve never known what it’s like to run out of diapers, not have enough clothes for him, or feel alone in all of this. I still hate asking for help or asking for material things, but I’m getting better at it especially if it involves my son.

I often joke about how once you have kids no one cares about you anymore, and that’s reigned true for the most part. However, the people I appreciate the most are the ones that love Pax and need updates on him, but still ask how I’m doing too. It gets rocky sometimes. Questions and doubts will flood my head. When it comes down to it, I need support just as much as Pax does sometimes. I have found that in my family, but I also have found that in unexpected friends. Specifically, Nicole Virden has been a huge blessing to me. She has two little kids of her own so she can tell if I get in over my head and will do what she can even if it’s as small as grabbing Paxon if he’s upset. Her family lives with us here in Seattle. She’s been my motivation to help me get back in the gym and getting out of the house more so we don’t go crazy cooped up with kids all day long. Nicole even goes so far as to make sure I’m not just physically doing okay, but mentally as well. Sometimes someone to talk to, that gets where I’m coming from, makes all the difference in the world.

I wouldn’t trade living in Seattle for the world. I’m so lucky Micah can provide us with the opportunity to raise our son in such a culturally rich area. On the west side of Washington you could go to the beach and hike a mountain trail all in one day. I’m excited for what better weather has to offer us. We’re only getting started over here.

Through the months, I’ve heard a lot of different opinions about my schooling, whether I’m going back, what timeframe going back to school would be easiest, etc. and, honestly, I don’t think that’s my highest priority at the moment. I’ve thought long and hard about it and I think what I’m doing right now is the most important thing for me. I’m definitely not giving up on myself. The future isn’t always promised, but what matters right now is that I’m living for more than just myself. I know some women that are having babies, still in school, still working and even breastfeeding and I don’t know how in the world that’s possible. I salute you, but I couldn’t do it. I try not to use excuses, but sometimes when my uterus feels like it’s eating me alive from the inside, I’m glad I’m not putting too much on my agenda at once or I would definitely not be able to give anything my all. My future still looks bright – there’s just a little baby crawling ahead of me in my path.

Watching Paxon grow is worth every second that I’m not in a lab or reading a science textbook. It isn’t to say that I won’t one day be able to do that. He’s learning so much so quickly. Whenever I see his pediatrician, she tells me he’s healthy and that’s all I need to hear.

He’s grown nearly 10 inches since birth. He started at 15 inches and at his last doctor’s appointment he was close to 25. He’s close to 16 lbs which means he’s almost quadrupled his birth weight. That is also why I can use him as a weight when I’m doing a workout at home. Those always make him giggle the most.

My biggest worry is how well he’s eating. I feel like I can never slack off. It’s hard to tell just how much he gets, but his double chin lets me know I’m doing okay. We’re even giving him some puréed food and oat or rice cereal. He hasn’t mastered the spoon quite yet. I think he’s just frustrated it doesn’t come fast enough.

Micah, Pax and I are growing and learning about all of this together. No situation is the same. No baby on Earth can be matched up to a chart perfectly. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to listen with caution, but for the most part I do my own thing if that’s what feels right.

I really underestimated babies before I had one. They’re smart – they know exactly what they need. One thing that works today won’t always work tomorrow. As long as we’re all working on the same team, I know I can do this! ❤️